Friday, March 22, 2013

Crappy quickie in the bushes

There are two statues in a park;

One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. 

They had been facing each other across a path way for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.  The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'  He asks her 'Shall we?'   She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I 'll hold the  pigeon down and you shit on its head.'


Monday, March 18, 2013

The Moral Dilema of Gossip

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.

One day the great Philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who said excitedly,  "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"  "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."  

"Triple filter?"  "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...'' "Ah right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not -

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you aren about to tell me about my student something good?"  "No, on the contrary..."  "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true.

You may still pass the test though, because here's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"  "No, not really."  "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

A tale of an Irish Genie

The Irish Again
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My Goodness!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.  'Where'd yew git dat monster?' 'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie..' 'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.  'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy. 'Could I see him?' Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master. Will you grant me one wish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Oscar's tragedy gives rise to jokes!

On the heels of tragedy there always follows relentless jokes some sick some just nasty others real funny i suppose its a nations way of dealing with horrible moments whatever your thoughts it is all just very sad

Just a few of the hundreds doing the rounds

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that could completely acquit him of his girlfriend's murder.
Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend.
Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than any Bafana Bafana striker.
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
I guess Oscar Pistorius just got cold feet about the relationship--
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who would have thought he meant OJ Simpson?--
What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day?... 20 years.
Shame about Oscar Pistorius the man had the world at his knees.--
It must have been dark when Oscar Pitorius shot his girlfriend. He said he could not see two feet in front of him
And the Oscar goes to .......(drumroll)...... JAIL--
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead and the up and coming athlete Oscar Pistorious' life is ruined and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.

Oscar Pistorius 'shoots girlfriend' This is the sort of behaviour from celebrities that we need to stump out.
Just like every other intruder in South Africa, Reeva Steenkamp was blonde, white and beautiful. It's an easy mistake.

Well, at least someone’s Valentine started off with a bang !!
Take your marks, get set .....BANG
Oscar will be pleading diminished responsibility. He was intoxicated & legless
NB: This post in no ways reflects the thoughts or feelings of this blog or people connected to it but these are the jokes doing the rounds and people should understand how South Africans and public in general around the world deal with tragedy all of these are jokes that were sent to us by email in the last two weeks

Bangkok Thailand - How did that name happen?



I'll bet you never knew this!!! 

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the following community ceremony.

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each the men. 

She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. 

(This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle. 

As soon as all the men become fully aroused and develop erections, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the fully erected penises downwards as much as they can and then on a given signal from the center dancer release them. 

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their belly. 

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity . . .the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King. 

And that folk's, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok . 

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Duties of a flight crew explained

Never quite knew what the first officer did!
Nothing is left to chance it seems

Many years ago on a long BOAC flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.

When she got up there, she found four crewmen. She asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were.

She turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems to keep the flight operating smoothly.

She turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. 

She turned to the first officer and asked "Well young man, what is your job?"

He replied "Ma'am, I am the captain's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple ma'am. The captain has told me that when he wants my fucking advice, he'll ask me."

Its official the Popes job is up for grabs!

Oh yes i might be in the running here think i should
drop my CV off at the Vatican
I am into the bullet proof ice cream van 
sounds perfect, just that darn hat puts me off looks like 
Harry Potters sorting hat