Trust an Irishman to tell it like he sees it
Monday, November 28, 2011
He took pity on her and said, look, you've got a lot to live for. We're off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on this ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. 'Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy, OK?'
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
'What are you doing here?' the captain asked. 'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's screwing me.' 'He sure is, lady,' the captain said. 'This is the Ferry making trips between Robben Island and the Waterfront".
Friday, November 25, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.
He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the Chief of the tribe.
“But you don”t understand!” he cries, “You can”t do this to me! I”m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!”
“Ah,” replies the tribesman, “Well look on the bright side.
Soon you will be editor-in-chief
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Fly me to the moon let me sing among those stars let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars
Airlifting a rhinoceros by its ankles might not sound like the most humane of acts, but in this situation, it's saving the critically endangered species.
The World Wildlife Fund and and Ezemvelo KZN Wildlife's Black Rhino Range Expansion Project successfully transported its seventh black rhino population, using seemingly unconventional means. The immense trip transported 19 of the animals 1,500 km across South Africa to a secret new location in Limpopo province.
The technique, which produced these amazing photos below, actually helps to move the large beasts safely and effectively with a lot less stress to the animal.
Black rhino being transported by helicopter to an awaiting land vehicle. The helicopter trip lasts less than 10 minutes and enables a darted rhino to be removed from difficult and dangerous terrain. The sleeping animals suffer no ill effect. Green Renaissance - www.greenrenaissance.co.za
Dr Jacques Flamand of WWF's Black Rhino Range Expansion Project has just administered the antidote to wake up a black rhino which has just been released on to a new home after an epic 1500 kilometre journey. Green Renaissance - www.greenrenaissance.co.za
Friday, November 4, 2011
On the way I passed a scrap metal cart being pulled by a donkey. Whenever I see this sight I feel the same as I do at the scene of a car accident I really, really don't want to look but some awful compulsion always makes me have a quick glance to ascertain the state of the poor beast of burden.
I was standing in the check-out queue waiting to pay when my attention wasdrawn by a sudden burst of noise and activity outside on the forecourt. Through the window I saw that donkey and cart were pulled up alongside the pumps for "refuelling". The donkey had its nose in the watering can generally used to top up cars radiators, and the cart passenger was swabbing down the poor creature's sweaty flanks with the squeegee thing usually used to clean windscreens and score a bigger tip.
The driver and passenger were having an extremely loud and colourful conversation, none of which I could understand apart from the "voks" and "jou ma" comments, but which must have been extremely funny judging by the toothless guffaws.
The terrible misuse of the squeegee caused one of the (bored and almost lifeless) pump attendants to amble across lethargically to this comic tableau and confiscate the item.
There followed an incomprehensible diatribe accompanied by lots of hand gestures which ended with the attendant shambling reluctantly back to the cashier window and mumbling a long story, at which the cashier shrieked indignantly and told him "nee man, hulle moet vok off".
She then explained to her intrigued audience that the donkeywould only move away from the pumps if it was given some apples. It seemed obligatory to donate the bag of apples I had just purchased for my beloved son. This was met with huge toothless grins, much bowing and God Bless You Merrems.
As I returned to my car I had the happy honour of over-hearing the donkey being told loudly that it must be the "most vokking fency-schmency blerrie vokking perd on the whole of the Cape Flats eating epples from vokking Woolwurths".
Don't you just love South Africa.....
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A great article telling it like it is by Andile Mngxitama
Every internal battle for power in the ruling party is basically not about the people, but who will be in a position to eat either by the ministerial handbook or by the tender
In those successful Nordic countries such as Sweden, Denmark and Norway, Masekela says: "You never read about the head of state in the newspapers. They go to work on the bus or even walk and the country functions well."
Masekela says the problem in South Africa is that our leaders confuse inauguration with coronation. They think they are kings.
This idea of thinking one is a king leads to our leaders to regard the state and government as being there to serve them and that the people are mere servants who are used for votes and other battles for the crown. Today the crown is the tender, because he who can influence the tender is king.
Because of our racist past, the idea of being a king or living like one is also linked to white privileges. It was therefore not surprising that Julius Malema told the "economic freedom" marchers: "When they ask you why you are marching, you must say you are marching because you want to be like whites.
"Everything whites have, we also want it," Malema told the marchers.
The media then reported that Mr Malema was whisked away like a real king in a government blue light motorcade to the airport to fly to the romantic Island of Mauritius to enjoy an all-expense paid for wedding party that is estimated to have cost more than R10-million.
Kings normally see themselves as the representative of the people. They overeat while the people suffer. Historically, democracy was achieved only when people got rid of their kings, often violently.
In South Africa, politicians want their king-like lives by hook or by crook. The tender or the ministerial handbook guarantees our leaders the good life of whites. We must not forget that our ministers can buy up to two cars that cost up to a million rand among the good things that come with political office.
Every internal battle for power in the ruling party is basically not about the people, but who will be in a position to eat either by the ministerial handbook or by the tender.
The disciplinary hearing against Malema and the "economic freedom" march must be seen within this context.
Someone must explain to Malema that white privileges were obtained through massive oppression of blacks, from land dispossession to forced labour.
To live like whites means to exclude and exploit blacks.
Now we hear Malema might soon be arrested for money laundering and corruption.
The defence that state institutions are used to settle political scores maybe true, but it is also true that Malema is a big beneficiary of dodgy tenders. In this game, all are tainted, the accused and the accusers.
We need to end the privileges that comes with political office.
A good example of such an effort is the September National Imbizo's people manifesto, which calls for "politicians and public servants to use public services". Our leaders are not kings, they are mere servants of the people. Time they acted like servants.
- Mngxitama is the author of Is Malema a Mugabe? a short political biography of Julius Malema. Get a copy at email@example.com
- Original Post at http://www.sowetanlive.co.za/leaders-want-to-live-like-kings-whites