Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Cookie Green

A man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Cookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father , it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Cookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Cookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Cookie Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection from her shoes'. 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Happy Birthday Nelson Mandela


The avid rugby supporter

A picture of young Nelson taken in the 40's

On July 18, 1918, Mandela was born along the Mbashe River in the village of Mvezo, in the Umtata district. and the BBC both report that Mandela was "born Rolihlahla Dalibhunga." Mandela explains in his 1994 autobiography, Long Walk to Freedom, that he was given the English name "Nelson" by his teacher Miss Mdingane on his first day at school, which he explains was a common practice within white South African institutions, where whites were unable or unwilling to pronounce African names.

In Long Walk to Freedom, Mandela writes that "[a]part from life, a strong constitution, and an abiding connection to the Thembu royal house, the only thing my father bestowed upon me at birth was a name, Rolihlahla. In Xhosa, Rolihlahla literally means 'pulling the branch of a tree,' but its colloquial meaning more accurately would be 'troublemaker.'"

Mandela's father, Gadla Henry Mphakanyiswa, was chief of Mvezo in the Transkeiean territories, and from the African indigenous Thembu royal family line. His mother was Nosekeni Fanny, the third of his father's four wives. Mandela was one of thirteen children and had three older brothers.

That laugh is a national treasure

In 1964, Mandela was arrested, he was convicted and sentenced to life imprisonment. He was incarcerated on Robben Island, near Cape Town, as prisoner 46664 for 18 of his 27 years in prison. Mandela imprisonment became a symbol of black oppression and a world-wide symbol of the resistance to racism. It sparked Pan Africanist responses from the Americas through support of organizations like TransAfrica under the efforts of the African American lawyer Randall Robinson. Mandela gained world-wide support, even from Europe. He was allowed to study for a Bachelor of Laws through a University of London correspondence program.

Mandela may have become the most revered prisoner in modern history. He would indeed be the trouble-maker, using his life to help dismantle apartheid to form a new multiracial democracy. In 1990, Nelson Mandela was released from prison under then leadership of his country's president Frederik Willem de Klerk. By July 1991, he was elected president of the ANC. In 1993, Mandela and de Klerk were both awarded Nobel Peace Prizes.

The most Iconic smile in the world

On May 10, 1994, Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela was elected the first black South African president as a result of its first multiracial elections. He served as president until 1999 before retiring from active politics. He maintained a busy schedule of fund-raising for his Mandela Foundation, which aims to build schools and medical clinics in South Africa’s rural regions. In 2001, he was diagnosed and treated for prostate cancer. June 2004, at age 85, he announced his formal retirement from public life.

We wish you smiles hope and love for your
birthday Madiba

Monday, July 15, 2013

Myron and the tax man

MYRON Greenberg, a wealthy S.A. businessman receives a letter from SARS advising him that he is about to be audited. 

This really upsets him, so he calls his Accountant.
MYRON: (pleading): 
“Why are they doing to me? Why are they doing this to me?”
 (calming); “Myron, don’t worry about it. I’ve got all the receipts, the account is up to date, it’s no problem.But let me give you a bit of advice. When you go to the Audit, make a bad impression.Wear the crummiest, dirtiest clothes you’ve got.  Have holes in your shoes, rippedpants and look shabby .   I mean really look terrible, because if they have a little
sympathy, they’ll go easy on you.

Then Myron called his Lawyer  . His Lawyer said:
  “MYRON it’s no problem, I’m sure
they got the receipts, I’m sure everything is up to date, you’ve got a great accountant,
Ken Scher, don’t worry about it.   Let me give you a tip. When you go to the Audit, it’s
very important that you make a good impression.  Wear your best suit, and your shirt
with a silk tie and cuff links and shine your shoes, look like somebody.
Because if you look like a somebody they respect you and will go easy on you.”
And now he’s torn.  So he goes to see his RABBI and he told the Rabbi the story.

“Myron, it reminds me of sometimes when I perform a wedding. The bride’s
father will tell his daughter that on her wedding night, to wear a nightgown with a
high collar and long sleeves and a full-length robe... cover up, you know, be a little
demure. But the mother says, ‘Don’t be silly. Wear a low cut“negligee” with the cleavage
sticking out --- look a little sexy’

       …. and Myron I will say to you just like I say to the Bride on her wedding night,
it makes no difference what you wear, you’re gonna get fucked”…. 

Friday, July 12, 2013

Sharknado one lame brain dead movie

This is actually hilarious its so bad..... 

Released last week in the states

This trailer is going viral as one of the worst movies ever made and will probably attain cult status for that reason well take a look and decide for yourself

Sharknado - written by a guy called Thunder Levin (that's his real name, apparently) and directed by the guy who did the make-up for Scarecrow Slayer and The Revolting Dead (yes, those two...), is pretty much what you think it's going to be - sharks, caught up in an almighty TORNADO, and then landing on people.

Alien discovered in Plettenburg Bay

One ugly assed creature

A strange discovery in Africa recently had locals questioning if there was an alien in their midst.

Some mockingly described it as a Die Antwood  a radical South African band. Others thought it might be a Tokeloshe a fabled African monster. There were even people rekoning that it must be a half man half monkey!

But in the end Dr Magdalena Braum, of The Crags Veterinary Clinic, didn't flinch when the creature was placed before her for an autopsy.
It was found by a tourist at a nature reserve and given to SA National Parks officials.
"What I saw is not uncommon," Braum said.
She said the creature had died from being bitten in the head and that its body was elongated because its grieving mother had carried it for weeks after its death.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Sleeping arrangements and wisdom


The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick,  because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick  and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess  and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up  and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?  You look awful!  He said,  'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring.
I just watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man…
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse  and kissed him good night on the lips.

Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom.