Thursday, May 31, 2012

Real comments from Hospital charts!

Some scary stuff think i will avoid our hospitals

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in   the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Monday, May 28, 2012

The real story of Adam and Eve

One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" God replied.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Oh, and why is that, Adam?" came the reply from the heavens.

 "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I'm lonely".

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'Woman' for you".

"What's a 'Woman', Lord?"

"This 'Woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you," replied the heavenly voice.

"Wow, she sounds great, Lord." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'Woman' cost me Lord?" Adam inquired. "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle." Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.

 Finally Adam said to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

 And that's how modern woman was created.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The picture of Jacob Zuma that's causing all the fuss

SPEAR OF THE NATION: Portrait of Zuma with his manhood exposed
For the record personally I find the picture disrespectful and in bad taste

The controversial painting that shows South African President Jacob Zuma with his pants down has been defaced in a gallery in Johannesburg. 
Two men are in police custody, the South African Press Association reported: one is said to be a university professor, another is identified simply as a 25-year-old. 
They are accused of vandalizing the picture, titled 'The Spear,' at the Goodman Gallery in Johannesburg this morning. 
According to SAPA, a third man was also arrested for attempting to spray paint the word "respect" onto a wall near the artwork.
The incident was caught on camera by a local TV crew, whose footage shows a middle-aged white man painting a red cross over Zuma's face. A younger black man covers the rest of Zuma's body with black paint, before being restrained by a security guard who at one point headbutts the suspect and tackles him to the ground. 
"I'm doing this because the painting is disrespectful to President Zuma," one of the men told the BBC's correspondent, who witnessed the attack.
The work of artist Brett Murray, the depiction of Zuma showing his naked genitals was under threat of removal after the ruling ANC party went to court to have it taken off display.
The $14,000, 1.85 meter-high painting was described by its creator as "an attempt at humorous satire of political power and patriarchy" that was never intended "to cause any hurt or to harm the dignity of any person," IOL News quoted Murray as saying.
President Zuma, however, said it was "an undignified depiction of my personality and seeks to create doubt about my personality in the eyes of fellow citizens, family and children."
The ANC's request to have the Goodman Gallery remove the painting from its display, website and promotional materials received a first hearing this morning, the BBC reported, and is due to go before a full bench of the High Court on Thursday. 
Of course a clever dick got a chicken outlet in on the fuss with a viral email using cutting advertising  see below - They not scared to show there Cock
Its a Cock alright

How to make the ultimate MAN size sandwich

Every mans dream lunch
They say a picture speaks a thousand mouthfuls

Now tell me that's not a mouthful

Thursday, May 10, 2012

What the perfect sociable Braai or BBQ looks like

Now braai's or BBQ's are always sort of a one or two man thing but take a look at this setup where everybody gets in on the action. A great and simple design giving you the ambiance of a camp fire and all the functionality of a BBQ or Braai absolutely an all round winner

I would say that's a winner

Monday, May 7, 2012

A Jew Boy and a Chineman fly a plane

Fly me to the moon
A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual distrust.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

 "I don't like Chinese."

 "No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why so?"

 "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

 "No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! 
That Japanese, not Chinese."

 "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese . . . . doesn't matter, you're all 

 There's a few minutes of silence.

 "I no rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly announces.

 "Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.

 "Jews sink Titanic!" says the co-pilot.

 "What? - You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the 
captain, "It was an iceberg!"

 "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , . . no mattah . . . you 
all da fucky same!"

Friday, May 4, 2012

So you want to get drunk fast try the WA|HH

Nothing is faster than this little baby

Have you ever been somewhere and needed to take the edge off for a couple of seconds!? Well Here is your answer it’s called the WA|HH Quantum Sensations and it will get you drunk for a few seconds and then leave you clear headed.

Read all about this novel little head spinner below
Two American scientists have designed a small spray that gives you that instant drunk sensation from less than a drop of alcohol.
The makers of Wahh Quantum Sensations claim, however, that the "harm" is limited, because you sober up equally rapidly.
The alcohol is delivered via an aerosol spray, so people feel briefly drunk, then sober up.
But however quickly people might recover, drunkenness can lead to accidents - and it’s also unclear how the device could be misused by alcoholics.
The feeling lasts just seconds - but when it fades, you are sober and able to carry on with your day.
The ‘Wahh Quantum Sensations’ delivers just a miniscule dose of alcohol - 0.075ml - directly in to your mouth, but thanks to the aerosol effect, the effect is instantaneous.
With a typical drink containing 40 to 60ml of alcohol, the scientists say it would take a thousand sprays to get the equivalent amount of alcohol into your system.
French designer Philippe Starck and Franco-American scientist David Edwards say the advantage is to enjoy the drunk sensation with none of the harmful effects of alcohol on the body.
The spray was unveiled in Paris on Wednesday.
"The question is how to do good without doing harm. Wahh is an alternative that offers the idea of intoxication without its adverse effects," the Daily Mail quoted Starck as saying.
The product is about to go on sale in Europe for 20 Euros, with each capsule offering 21 "shots". UK distribution plans have not been unveiled yet.

Roly-Polly pudding yummy

Roly-Poly Pudding


cups flour (500 ml)

  • teaspoons baking powder (15 ml)
  • teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 cup butter (1 stick or 125 g or 4 oz)
  • eggs, beaten
  • milk, a few tablespoons, see instructions
  • teaspoon vanilla
  • apricot jam



  1. 1
    Preheat oven to 350 deg F/180 deg Celsius.
  2. 2
    Grease a suitable oven dish, like a rectangular Pyrex dish.
  3. 3
    Mix the flour, baking powder and salt, and rub in the butter. (Can be done in a processor, also the next step).
  4. 4
    Add the beaten eggs, and then just enough milk, tablespoon by tablespoon, to make a fairly firm dough.
  5. 5
    It's easy to watch in the processor: as soon as a firm ball forms which is not sticky, but soft, the dough is ready.
  6. 6
    Roll the dough out quite thinly -- on a surface sprinkled with flour -- and form a rectangle, by cutting off bits and adding it on again -- you know how.
  7. 7
    Spread the dough with apricot jam.
  8. 8
    From one of the LONG sides, roll it up like a swiss roll.
  9. 9
    Cut this roll into 1 inch slices, using a serrated knife such as a bread knife. The jam WILL ooze out.
  10. 10
    Pack the slices, cut sides up, closely together, in the greased dish. Scoop the jam which oozed out on the surface you used, and just plonk back on to these rolls.
  11. 11
    In a pot, mix the boiling water (from your kettle), sugar, butter and vanilla and stir until sugar dissolves.
  12. 12
    With a tablespoon, ladle evenly over the slices of pudding, but beware: you will have more sauce than the baking dish can take. Usually you'll be left with about 3/4 cup. KEEP IT.
  13. 13
    Bake for about 40 - 45 minutes.
  14. 14
    When the sizzling pudding comes out of the oven, carefully pour the extra sauce over the centre slices: I find that, when baking, the sauce tends to pool on the sides.
  15. 15
    Now the hot pudding will absorb much of the leftover sauce in seconds. Use as much or as little as you like.
  16. 16
    Serve hot, with custard, ice cream or sweetened whipped cream.
Original Recipe thanks to

The old Popes last wish

The old and frail Pope lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the world. He motioned for his nurse to come near. “Yes, Father?” said the nurse.
“I would really like to see Robert Mugabe and George Bush before I die,” whispered the Pope.
“I’ll see what I can do, Father,” replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to them and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Robert and George would be delighted to visit the Pope.
As they went to the hospital, George commented to Robert “I don’t know why the old man wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images.” Robert couldn’t help but agree. When they arrived at the Pope’s room, the Pope took Roberts’s hand in his right hand and George Bush’s hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old Pope’s face.
Finally Robert spoke. “Holy Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?”
The old Pope slowly replied “I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.” The old Pope continued…..”He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same.”

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Photographs that talk

Sometimes a picture really is worth a 

thousand words

Compassion and understanding both missing
in the world we live in