Wednesday, December 12, 2012

To lie or not to lie the age old question


A story of a lie that turned out all wrong


Russ and Sam, two friends, very old and frail, met in the park every day to feed the birds, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ,but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?"
Russ replied, "I was in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'."
"The damn judge gave me 30 days for lying under oath."

Couple sex explained

Somethings should be left unexplained!

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question,
then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of sexual intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question,honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs”

Friday, November 23, 2012

The Bond the Jacob Bond

The Bond the whole Bond and nothing about the bond






















Nkandla Gate just wont go away will it?

The last night out of two old Geezers


Life is sweet if you can still laugh

Give these two another drink

Two old men decided they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel

the madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.

These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says,

'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'dead?' says his friend, 'why do you say that?'
'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.' his friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'a witch ??. . Why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window..... Took my teeth with her!'

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

So you think Elephants cant fly?

Watch this elephant get up to take off speed
video
Hows that for a dash of speed

Not all nuts are are smooth operators

Hey Ladies I shaved me nuts the other day! Now i have prickly pears whats up with that?

So am i a smooth operator or what?

So how many of you remember McGyver?

Click on pic for larger image
Not quite what you remember must be a time warp!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Apartheid is alive and well in reverse in South Africa

Read the below article which is just one of a raft of new laws designed to disenfranchise anybody other than a black person. In a nut shell it is apartheid all over again now aimed at anything white

Click on pic for larger version

Interesting paragraph from the London Times 
  
"South Africa is the only country in the world where affirmative action is in the favor of the majority (Black) who has complete political control. The fact that the political majority requires affirmative action to protect them against a 9% minority (White) group is testament to a complete failure on their part to build their own wealth making structures, such that their only solution is to take it from others." London Times 

Monday, November 12, 2012

Never tell your wife this.....

Blow Dryer Mishap:   
A good lesson for all.        

John's wife caught him blow-drying his "pr*v*tes" this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing?

Apparently, "heating up your breakfast" was not the right answer.
There is a first and a last for everything this was definitely a last

Friday, November 9, 2012

Mother Superior what a cow!

When the spirits take you!

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.


As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother" the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them with a tear in the eye and said:

"DON'T EVER SELL THAT COW!"

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

You got to love Air New Zealands new safety video

Now that's a safety video i would watch.....



Air New Zealand teamed up with Peter Jackson and his digital effects company to produce a Hobbit inspired flight safety video. Its seriously good and holds your attention unlike other real boring offerings  

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

What woman really want?


Read and learn

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to  figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old  witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?















Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life

 Now....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

Friday, October 26, 2012

Super funny true life fart story

Talk about making a stink

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place.  However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history.  Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams.  And, if it makes his eyes burn.  If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).
It was about five years ago.  I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs.  That’s when I met my husband, Rob.  On our first date, he booked the next two.  He liked me.  I liked him.  Things were looking real good.
He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked.  I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry.  Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing.  Was this love?
That’s when it happened.  Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying.  I thought I was dying.  Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.
On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it.  The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks.  Then I realized …
My God, help me.  I have a horrendous fart on deck.  I’m in trouble.  Big trouble.
The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs.  I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.
“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.
“Wow, it’s that bad?  What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me.  There was nothing I could do.  As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands.  Slowly, it eeked out.  The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door.  However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound.  I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip.  Ok, maybe I got away with it.  Maybe I’m home free.  Then it hit me.  Not an idea, a cloud.  A horrific, fart cloud.  Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way.  More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?” sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked.  “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it!  UNLOCK IT!”
“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him.  I could see it in his eyes.  Was it surprise?  Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.
“Roll down the windows!”  As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably.  I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped.  Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos.  We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire.  We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows.  We both gulped in fresh air.  I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home.  Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.
He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it.  Rob’s voice.  Right.  Outside.  My.   Bathroom.  Door.
“Anna?  You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open.  Where do you want me to put them?”
“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.
“Ok, I’m sorry.  Are you okay?”
*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there.  I’ll call you later okay?”
“Okay, are you sure you’re …”
“I’m fine!  Get away from the door!”
This man!  I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away.  I thought that was the last I’d hear from him.  I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.
But, to my surprise, I did.  A couple days later, actually.  Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs.  You saved us.  You saved our destiny.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

A letter from a Zimbabwean to Julius Malema

Julius and Mugabe

Letter to Julius Malema on Zimbabwe
If uncollected rubbish dumps, lack of running clean water and a dilapidating infrastructure inspire you Julius, then I suppose you should relocate to Harare.
Greetings to you Julius. I am sure you will note that this is my second letter to you on the same subject matter.
I understand that you visited my country Zimbabwe recently, and that you continue to be inspired by how ZANU (PF) has decimated our economy and its potential. Well, Julius, I dare say that your standards are obviously not that high and I forgive you for that. You see, this is the case with most black Africans; all you have to do is look throughout Africa to realise that the black man, left to his own devices, has dismally failed to raise his standard of living despite having all the resources he needs.
Your country, South Africa, is currently suffering from the same disorder and events in the Limpopo province, where you come from, certainly do not inspire me. Shouldn't you be rather spending your energy there to get things right?
There are historical reasons for that I think, the main one being that coming from poverty backgrounds, black Africans do not really demand or expect much from their leaders. You see Julius; there is just something about us black people and our standards. They are just so low and your inspiration from the Zimbabwe situation proves that to me. By the way, Julius, I forgot to ask you whether you had electricity at the wedding you attended because on that day, I didn't.
If stinking uncollected rubbish dumps, lack of clean running water and a dilapidating infrastructure inspire you Julius, then I suppose you should relocate to Harare. I have a perfect spot for you where you can, once again, get inspired using pit latrines as some of you do now in a developed South Africa. I understand that this is also the case in Limpopo, where some infrastructure is in bad shape even after some black owned companies were paid to do the work to repair it. I am sure you are aware of that. That hardly inspires me Julius.
I am an enthusiastic believer in economic transformation and the ownership of our economies by the majority and not by international monopolies and oligopolies who are to me, the new colonialists. On that point I fully agree with you. However, that does mean that I should accept a substandard life style. I don't know about you Julius, but I note that you aspire to live in Sandton (the taxman willing) and not in Thembisa as most of your brothers and sisters do (not that there is anything wrong with living in Thembisa).
I don't know whether you are aware that Zimbabwe does not actually control its mineral wealth? These have been dished out to the Chinese and to ZANU (PF) cronies some of who are reported to be now building mansions there in Durban. We don't even know where our diamond revenue is going Julius, can you believe that? I guess that inspires you Julius.
You no doubt, will also be inspired by our agricultural revolution (as you would call it), where now we cannot even feed ourselves and must import maize from Zambia. Yes Julius we in Zimbabwe now "own" those farms but they are useless and lying idle.
Julius, in Zimbabwe, we even own closed factories and shops, we own our own airline which is grounded, we own all our state enterprises that are facing closure because of mismanagement, we own steel mills, power stations, railways, mines; hell you name it Julius and we own it. But all that we own is either underutilised, in a state of disrepair or being driven to the ground through corruption or mismanagement. That's inspirational Julius, isn't it?
My advice to you Julius, is to use this "sabbatical" that the ANC has forced upon you wisely, and study and improve yourself. You do have some good arguments on how we must begin to ameliorate the condition of black Africans. You however, need to sharpen your thinking skills.
Africa needs future leaders who are educated, principled, who have integrity and are sensitive to the dynamics of the environment that they operate in. If you by any chance aspire to be one of those, good luck, but I can tell you that will not get that from coming to Harare to insult our intelligence. You seem to have a unique gift of persistently doing that.
Julius, economic freedom in this lifetime is possible, but only if we insist on high standards of leadership and delivery. Nationalisation will not achieve that economic freedom, nor will violence, greed and corruption. Fighting for higher wages is like a slave, fighting for a daily tea break; it will not fundamentally change the economic relationships in South Africa.
I shall be in touch with you again soon, and we may perhaps sit down and inspire each other on the need to develop both our countries and come up with new economic models. Let us rather spend our energies on that, don't you agree?
Finally I encourage you to choose your friends wisely Julius, because the tide is turning and true economic freedom is coming soon to Zimbabwe. Real economic freedom Julius, which you might want to be once again inspired by.
Sincerely,
Vince Musewe
Your comrade in the economic struggle to free Africans from dictatorship, incompetence and poverty.Vince Musewe is an independent economist currently in Harare. You may contact him on vtmusewe@gmail.com

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Who remembers the old naughty postcards?

Can you remember the old saucy postcards full of innuendo?
Here are a few to make you laugh









 
 



 






What a lot of cock never mind the pit

Sometimes politically correct oversteps the mark

The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination.” Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

“Yes,” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”
“My God,” said Ed, “I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think with only  women up there in the cockpit.”
“That’s another thing sir,” said the attendant,
“We No Longer Call It The Cock Pit.”

Me wonders what the hell its called now?

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Fatty Boom Boom Die Antwoord's latest offering

Turning down Lady Gaga's request to be her opening act during one of her tours wasn't enough for Die Antwoord, they had to have her eaten alive.



The South African zef-rap group's latest video releaseFatty Boom Boom mocks the global superstar and her recent admission to having an eating disorder.

What the hell does a Rectum Stretcher do?


Rectum what?

While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’

To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work’…

‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’

‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded.

The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’

‘And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ‘ he asked.
‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’

Monday, October 15, 2012

Barbaric or not you decide - The Calderon Whales

 A bloody slaughter in the Faroe Islands, which
 belong to Denmark a supposedly civilized 
and enlightened country 
Men gather on the shore to kill the beached whales. Ideally, most of the whales will strand far enough up on shore that it is unnecessary to secure them. However, those remaining in the shallows must be secured and hauled closer. Traditionally, this is done by driving a steel hook, or gaff, with a rope attached to it into the back of the whale. A new blunt hook inserted into an airsac in the whale’s blowhole has now been widely tested in practice and it is hoped that this new equipment may eventually replace the traditional gaff as the standard method for securing whales. The whale is killed using a sharp knife to cut down to sever the spinal cord, which also severs the major blood supply to the brain, ensuring both the loss of consciousness and death within seconds.

Most Faroese maintain that it is their right to catch pilot whales given that they have done so for centuries. The Faroese whalers defend their actions before international organizations like Greenpeace with three arguments: one, that grindadrĂ¡p is not a hunt as such, but a drĂ¡p meaning a kill (ie that they do not regularly take to sea just to hunt for pilot whales, but only kill those which are sighted swimming to close at land); two, that the pilot whale hunt does not exist for commercial reasons, but for internal food distribution among households; and three, they do not believe the pilot whale to be an endangered species.

















Is this OK is this ethical is this civilized ?
I will leave that to you to decide 

Monday, October 8, 2012

Making baby's can be traumatic


Making a Baby.. This is hilarious! 

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain, 'Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!.

After a moment she asked, blushing,
'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed,
Grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
To get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith,
Her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for More than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
'Do you mean they actually
Chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can
Get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs.Smithfainted.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The art of teaching diplomacy

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:

"Micheal, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go pee."

"That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.