The case of the defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. 

It doesn't have any feet or legs. 

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 

"Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. 

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. 

I'm especially good at ornithology. 

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. 

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. 

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. 

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'
'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 

'THEN what happened?''Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'   

Cat scans are a piece of cake when you informed

I feel much better now!

All I ever wanted to know

Bill Clinton on the Russian "Pussy Riot" question

Bill my man not so much enthusiasm 

Poor old Bill cant help himself

Another picture of Jacob Zumas penis in the wind

Where will it end its becoming embarrassing now?
The president of South Africa
Jacob Zuma

Umshini Wam by Ayanda Mabuli

According to the Star newspaper, artist Ayanda Mabulu's painting of Zuma wearing traditional attire and his penis exposed, entitledUmshini Wam is part of an exhibition called Our Fathers.

The exhibition also has works of artist Brett Murray whose controversial painting, The Spear, resulted in protests against Johannesburg's Goodman Gallery in May.

The Spear, another painting depicting Zuma with his genitals exposed, was later removed by the Goodman Gallery and the City Press website. The artwork was also classified with a rating of 16N by the Film and Publication Board because it displays nudity.

Mabulu's painting is priced at R75 000.

"He is not naked; I did not paint him with an uncircumcised penis. This is a metaphor that shows he is not a boy; he is a man, an elder, a father, a leader," Mabulu was quoted as saying.

Veet and the joys of removing hair from your tackle

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.  I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen - by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.  I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-