The Jew and the Arab an old love story

A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.

The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."

The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick." Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.

The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"

The Jew replies, "Look in the Arab's pocket....."

The Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro... Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.” 

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

                                      

Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of  Jamieson Whisky. 

Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!”

Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage through  my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth..”

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!” 

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't  even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.” 

How the "Olympics" got its name

Until recently, I didn't know this...

A beautiful young slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece ..

In those days, believe it or not, all the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed:

"OH!! Limp pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millenniums that morphed into " Olympics".

Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.  One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would

all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert

it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had

various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found

him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So

I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God,

he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give

him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one

arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you

KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And

then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted

nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP

another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him

and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as

a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in

a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors

running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have

been the best way to start”!!!!!.

Overheard in a bar

Bar Life

I couldn't  help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting  at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look  tired."

His buddy says,

"Dude I'm exhausted

My girlfriend and I have sex all the time

I just don't know what to  do."

A fellow about my age (72), sitting a couple of
stools down had also over-heard the conversation. He  looked
over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years
says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit"