Scottish golf club meets jew

Scottish Jew wants to take up Golf !

A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.

About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected. He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting

in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.

Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.

And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus .

But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

Irish logic just so simple

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork in Ireland from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain cost them £2,000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, 'That’ll be €39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in Ireland to insure, since it cost him £2,000.00 in England!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen -- it says:

Any wooden structure with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.'

I always did find the Irish logic far superior to most others...

Wayne's Mongolian Beef

Mongolian Beef Recipe:

Serves  4 People

You will need:

1 kg of Fillet or sirloin steak, thinly sliced crosswise

1/2 cup of cornstarch

4 tablepoons of oil

1 teaspoon of grated ginger

2 tablespoons of chopped garlic (about 3 -6 large cloves)

1/2 cup of white wine

1/2 cup of water

1 cup of soy sauce

1 cup brown sugar

1 teaspoon of red pepper flakes

4 large red onions, sliced crosswise into thirds

6 spring onions cut into 25 mm lenghths 

1 large red pepper cut into stips

Method

Meat Preparation

First, make sure the steak slices are dry (pat them dry) and mix them with the corn starch. Using your hands or a spoon, move them around to make sure all pieces are coated. Place beef slices in a strainer and shake off excess corn starch

Sauce

Heat half of the oil in a large wok at medium-high and add the garlic and ginger. Immediately add the soy sauce, water, white wine, brown sugar and pepper flakes. Cook the sauce for about 4 minutes and transfer to a bowl. Don't worry if the sauce doesn't look thick enough at this point. The corn starch in the beef will thicken it up later. 

Cooking meat

Turn the heat up and add the remaining oil to the wok. Add the beef and cook, stirring until it is all browned (this is a quick thing). Pour the sauce back into the wok and let it cook along with the meat. Now you can choose to cook it down and reduce the sauce or leave it thinner. Add the onions, red pepper strips and spring onions at the last minute so the center parts will stay crunchy

Serve

Serve with rice or noodles both are good

Big black dude meets little Irishman

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the
Irishman and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks
me................  I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch
penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"

The little white Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"

Politics explained

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this! 

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' 

Dad says, 'Well son, let  me try to explain it this way: 

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister. 

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. 

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. 
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. 

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. 

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. 

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. 

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.? 

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny. 

He gives up and goes back to bed. 

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. ' 

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' 

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

Kicking the habit comes at a price

Kicking the habit can be costly!

A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, "  said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well,  he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. 

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. 

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? and why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? "  he asks.

" Well, "  his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,

" You gonna tell him or should I ? "

Alcohol consumption and economics

Some Serious Bar Economics

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About R100.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs R100.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at R9000,00. In one year, it would be R108 000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend R108 000 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at R1 620 000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your fucking Ferrari then?

Chev 789 a classic composite for us older guys

The New/Old 7~8~9  Chevy

A 1957, 1958 and 1959 Chevy all rolled into one! 

What a beautiful rear end

This car was built by N2A motors  (No 2 A like)

Sexy interior 

Unbelievable!   The company is planning a production run of about 100 vehicles.
It sits on a Corvette C6 chassis, front styled like a 57 Chevy, Side like a 58, rear like a 59. 

With the appearance of the 789 nailed down, N2A needed to find the perfect platform to attach it to. Since the goal was to have a car that performed as nicely as it looked, the choice was obvious: the C6 Corvette. Fred Kanter, chairman of Kanter Concepts, tells PHR, "We have taken the world's best value in a performance chassis-the Le Mans-winning Corvette C6-and wrapped it in an iconic selection of American designs." This means that under all those gorgeous body lines lies a 400hp LS2 V-8 and a cutting-edge sports car suspension. It also means that the 789 is not much more difficult to maintain than a typical new Corvette.

When dealing with a classic car, even a modernized one, an owner has to work with a host of issues like rarity of parts and the upkeep of custom, one-off systems like the suspension. According to Kanter, the 789 offers the best of both worlds: retro looks with classic styling-and it'll fire up every time you push the start button.

(front styled like a 57 Chevy, Side like a 58, rear like a 59)
Hence the designation "789."

Its Watermelon season and its hot

So summer is here with a vengeance and what better way to chill out than with an alcohol infused watermelon  

So here is the thing we all know how refreshing a cold slice of watermelon is on a hot day but have you ever considered mixing your yummy watermelon with your favorite drink?

Well now if you haven't try this trick its simple and delicious and a great way to get a summer pool party going. 

All you need is a watermelon a sharp thin long blade knife a funnel and a bottle of your favorite hooch. Now my poison might not be your poison so yes the normal thing to use is a bottle of vodka but i like to use rum or Bacardi it is all good.

So you make a small round hole in the skin through to the flesh you insert your funnel and start pouring your hooch in, it takes a while so be patient. Once alcohol is in put Mellon in the fridge using the piece you cut out to plug the hole. Leave for two or three hours in fridge to absorb the hooch (very Important) then bata bing bata boom take it out  slice it up and enjoy.

Word of warning it is quite intoxicating so keep away from kids and hooligans 

Beware of what you ask!

Lawyers should never ask questions if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.' 

Some mothers can be animals

I know a few mothers who fit that profile 

Best anti theft device for household goods

Oh crap that's funny trust a German to come up with that one!